My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
