a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
