the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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