Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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