Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
