Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
