I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize