dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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