I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
