I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
