the condom got lost in my hair
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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