Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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