it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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