So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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