The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
