I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
