youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
