I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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