He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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