the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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