So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I was not drunk enough for that final.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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