i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
