Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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