Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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