Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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