Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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