idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
