My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The Olympian is in my bed
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