i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
