Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
