Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize