I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize