Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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