We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
