Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
