the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
