Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
