Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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