im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize