I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
