I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
