I hate your face
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
