Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
