I CAN MOONWALK!
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
