In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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