Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
