I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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