I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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