I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
