At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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