I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize