i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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