my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
