i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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