two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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