3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
