I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
