she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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